Splotchy Reads His Spam

For some reason, the subject line of a spam email in my inbox caught my eye.

Make your fat friends envy you

I don’t know, it just clicked for me. So’s I checked the other 10-15 spam emails also in my inbox for any other choice phrases.

Surprisingly, I found several gems.

1. Do you want your dick to be wallpaper for a computer? Try [product name deleted].

I honestly don’t know if I want that or not. My brain almost short-circuited when I read it.

2. [product name deleted] is a penis enlargement product that will enhance your penis in length and girth without damagining your health.

I like that word, “damagining”. Didn’t he play for the Yankees in the 1940’s?

3. [product deleted] – an extremely striking flesh loss product is made available now wherever you need it!!!

Would you believe me if I told you the product was called Shylock?

4. May 24 2007 day of the explotion.
Already 200 millions of people has read this message !!!

Didn’t the season finale for Heroes already air on the 21st?

Requiem For A Physics Teacher

Inspired by Coaster Punchman’s heartwarming tale of a teacher, I bring you one of my own.

None of this is made up. It’s all true.

I had a physics teacher in high school named Teddy Baer (pronounced “Bear”). Yes. I know. I don’t know how he made it to adulthood, either.

He didn’t have the witchy maliciousness of CP’s Ms. Lowmuff, but he certainly had his share of problems.

He was actually a shop teacher, who, probably due to budgetary concerns, was tapped to teach high school physics. I’m using the word “teach” in the loosest sense of the word.

I remember vaguely doing lots of quadratic equations, for purposes that elude me even to this day.

Mr. Baer had a habit of mispronouncing words, many of them being quite amusing.

There were enough of these that my friend Tim and I actually started keeping a list. Sadly, this list has been lost, but I still remember a few.

The all-time favorite of mine was him saying “Connecticut energy” instead of “kinetic energy”. He said this a *lot*. I actually got a detention a couple of times because of uncontrollable snickering.

Despite having some levity in the class, I would have much rather learned a bit more about physics — overall this class was a pretty big drag.

So, how did I exorcise the demon of Teddy Baer?

Why, with a song of course.

Click to hear –> Requiem For A Physics Teacher
I was just learning to play guitar, Tim was just learning how to play drums, and both of us were learning how to sing badly. Still, a nice song.

Here’s the lyrics, if’n you can’t understand our adolescent caterwauling.

Up there, It’s Mr. Baer
He’s gonna jump
He’s gonna jump

In a classroom far away
There lived a man who died today
Thought he was king of all equations
But he forgot about acceleration

Mr. Baer you got no hair
But we don’t care if you float on air
We think you’re such an awesome teacher
But we don’t if we should beseech you

Not to jump
Not to jump

Connecticut energy
Motary rotion
Can you stand
On Jupiter’s ocean?
(You know you can’t, Mr. Baer.)

All right
All right

Up there, It’s Mr. Baer
He’s gonna jump
He’s gonna jump

Watch Mr. Baer do the slamming wall dance
Does he know he’s got chalk on his pants?
He should be home, drinking his Coors
But instead he’s falling forty floors (Oh no!)

Mr. Baer you got no hair
But we don’t care if you float on air
We think you’re such an awesome teacher (Word!)
But we don’t if we should beseech you

Not to jump
Not to jump

Lost Season 4 Spoilers

1. Everyone (excepting Sawyer) grows a full beard.

2. More structures are uncovered on the island.
Among them:
a) A Denny’s
b) A used car dealership used by the Others to practice infiltrating the castaways’ ranks.
c) A Wrestledome containing the dessicated corpses of Dick The Bruiser and the Von Erich Brothers.

3. The mysterious Other Mikhail not only survives, but appears dressed as Shirley Temple and speaks in a thick Cajun accent.

4. The show sucks twice as much as it did in Season 3, which sucked twice as much as Season 2, which sucked twice as much as Season 1.

Hot and Icky

So, despite being aware of the imminent arrival of numerous cicadas yesterday and today, I decided *not* to mow the lawn this past weekend.

And, now I just get off the phone with My Lady and she says I need to sweep the sidewalk in front of the house when I get home, because there are so many bugs on it.

If there are that many cicadas on the sidewalk, there will be double that in each square foot of our yard.

It is going to be one hot, icky grass trimming tonight.

Is It Really So Strange?

Tell me if this is strange, won’t you?

Whenever I eat ice cream, I take whatever empty receptacle I have eaten the ice cream from — be it a bowl, or a Ben And Jerry’s pint, what-have-you — and I fill it halfway with milk, then drink the milk.


At least it’s not eating olives from the nostril of a racehorse, right?