iSplotchy, The T-Shirt

Note: This post has been guest-written by Steve Jobs.

Hello once again!

Steve Jobs here!

Normally you know me in my role of esteemed visionary of this planet that we call Ceres, Demeter, Earth Goddess.

However, a lesser known role (though no less valuable) is my constant striving to imbue common everyday objects with unbridled sexuality.

Laptops, music players, telephones. These are all boring objects that fill the functional bookshelves of our lives. These everyday objects are resistant to econosexualization. It is a herculean effort to find features to make these products appealing — add a glowing apple here, make a screen adjust horizontally there — dreadful, boring drudgery.

Yet, once in long while, an object comes pre-sexed, alluring and awe-inspiring, only requiring me to convey to the public in the simplest terms, what the product is and what it can do.

Of course, I speak of the iSplotchy.

And so, I am radiantly proud to announce the inception of a clothing line featuring the iSplotchy.

The iSplotchy at Cafe Press

Now you, the average man and/or woman, can walk the streets, advertising this wonderful product, and your own implicit approval of said product. Not only will the unwashed public see your support of the iSplotchy, but by wearing its apparel the iSplotchy will support you.

The time is now. It is time to advertise the product that is transforming reality for the deserving denizens of this planet. Do you want to be one of the few who is left behind, as the technological rapture sweeps the chosen away, leaving you to sit around and wonder with your boring little lives, “What did I do wrong?”

The time is now. The t-shirts are cotton.

The iSplotchy.

Ultimatum, Schmultimatum

I’ll admit it right up front. I broke a rule tonight. An unwritten rule that I guess I will write about now. So, only a recently explicitly written rule.

But first, some background before I write out that rule.

I would have been more than happy to settle in with MizSplotchy tonight, for a nice cozy evening of popcorn and Jeepers Creepers.

The recent experience of Freaky Frights On Forest has raised the joy of Halloween in my blood to near toxic levels (also, I believe they had a Jeepers Creepers display on the southwest corner of Forest). I haven’t seen Jeepers Creepers before, and no, I didn’t know my nemesis Justin Long was in it.

But, alas, MizSplotchy had to study. Since I couldn’t watch a scary movie by myself without gettin’ the night terrors, I decided to see what was playing at the LaGrange.

Here’s what my choices were.

The Bourne Ultimatum
I’ve seen the other two Bourne movies on TV, and they were kind of [shrug] okay.

No Reservations
Some godforsaken shitty romantic comedy starring Aaron Eckhart and Catherine Zeta-Jones. I wouldn’t be so harsh about a movie I haven’t seen, but the tagline for it is “Something’s Cooking This Summer”. See? Shitty.

Rush Hour 3
Haven’t seen the first two, and felt like I would be just swimming in confusion. Why is that black guy talking so excitedly? Why is that old Chinese guy trying to do karate?

A fantasy of monumentally magical proportions.

So, hmm. Stardust started earlier, at 8:50pm. I sorta half-assed wanted to see Bourne, but it didn’t start until 9:20pm. Agh, that was a little late for me. The only thing I knew about Stardust was from its trailer, with Robert DeNiro sporting a shit-eating grin as he pilots a large, magic flying ship.

I bring up Stardust’s entry on the IMDB. Wow, it’s got an 8.1 user rating! That ain’t shabby. What the hell. I decided to catch the earlier show of Stardust.

So I have sat down for the showing of Stardust. As it starts out, we see there’s this really old wall in England, and an eighteen year old boy gets by an old geezer who’s guarding a gap in the wall, which is supposedly a gateway to a magic land. And it does indeed turn out to be a magic land. So, the kid goes and has sex with a princess who is enslaved to a witch, and then nine months later back in England said boy has a baby delivered to him, and then eighteen years later that baby is a boy who is in love with this girl, and then a star falls from the sky.

I looked at my watch. 9:12pm. Boy, this movie is kind of cheesy. And I don’t like the special effects. Also kind of cheesy. I don’t know if I can wait for DeNiro’s grinning goofiness. 9:16. The fallen star has turned into Claire Danes.

I get up and exit the theater. I walk into Theater 1 and wait for The Bourne Ultimatum to start.

Mr. Damon? Mr. Damon? Over here!

This is the rule I broke. Stardust might be a perfectly fine movie. Hell, many users on the IMDB who possibly aren’t all complete nimrods thought Stardust was fantastic. In the future, I think that if I go to see a movie, I should stay until the end of it. Unless I don’t really want to.

Okay, so. The Bourne Ultimatum. Kind of pointless. Lots of unnecessary camera motion to keep you from focusing on the lack of a plot. In the end, Bourne supposedly answers the riddles of his life that he’s been struggling for in the last three movies. I still don’t see a happy life for him. One day he’s going to be waiting in line at the DMV, and somebody will look at him the wrong way and he’s going to snap their pinkies off.

I got home and told MizSplotchy I started out watching Stardust, but it didn’t feel right watching it. She replied,”Why? Because you aren’t a big vagina?” Oh, MizSplotchy!

These Things Won’t Be Around Much Longer, Folks

If you live in the Chicago area and you haven’t been to the following attractions, their last days are both on October 31st.

You will kick yourself if you miss either of them. If you miss them and you don’t kick yourself, don’t worry, I’ll make sure someone kicks you.

Niki In The Garden
A celebration of the work of sculptor Niki de Saint Phalle, at the marvelous Garfield Park Conservatory.

The Garfield Park Conservatory is steps from a stop on the Green Line. If you want to drive, there’s free parking. To walk through the lovely greenhouses and an amazing new grassy space out behind the greenhouses, all of them having wonderful sculptures, a $5.00 donation is requested.

One of the highlights of the exhibit was “La Cabeza”, which you could actually walk inside.

Freaky Frights On Forest
A two-block stretch in the western suburb of North Riverside — motion-activated, eerily-lit fog-enshrouded, spooky music enchanted, gross and fantastical Halloween wonderment.

I took these pictures with my digital camera. I didn’t want to despook the surroundings with a flash, so I just tried my best at holding the camera still. Some pictures came out a little too blurry, but some also came out kind of cool as a result.

This is the second year I’ve gone to Freaky Frights. There was a lot of new stuff this year, but this spooky glowing puppet inside a little house was once again my favorite.

Woo, I got the moon in there! It was almost full.

Dracula was actually under a strobe light, which probably contributed to this strange effect.