Note: This post has been guest-written by Steve Jobs.
Steve Jobs here!
As you are well aware, normally I use this forum as a way to reach out to you, the iSplotchy owner, whether it involves the unveiling of exciting new features or giving you the chance of a lifetime to be the proud owner of a piece of Internet history.
I realize the importance of these posts, as the iSplotchy is unanimously loved and cherished by all sentient beings (indeed, what is there not to love?). So, imagine my surprise when the Department Of Defense Against Primates (DODAP) forwarded me this libelous piece of piffle:
Who is this “Doctor” Zaius? First of all, in what country can an orangutan with mange be accredited a license to practice medicine? Finland?
“Doctor” Zaius attacks the iSplotchy, accusing it of capitalistic tendencies. Yes, you can buy the prototype. The prototype is not the iSplotchy, my good people, no more than the action figure of Zaius represents himself.
Yes, Zaius has an action figure. And if rumors prove to be true, it is a genital-less action figure.
DODAP has also forwarded me another disturbing development, coincidentally also concerning an alleged simian “doctor”.
I was somewhat disheartened by the news regarding this poor excuse for a snake-oil salesman (technically, a Crunky salesman).
“Doctor” Von Monkerstein has sunk his feces-encrusted paws into none other than G. Kristi Love.
Why, do you ask, does this disturb me? For one, G. Kristi Love was one of the early adopters of the iSplotchy (just check out her comment on this post, before it is hastily deleted by the Von Monkerstein campaign).
The past of G. Kristi Love is already being dropped down the memory hole. Witness her in happier times, the iSplotchy by her side.
Sadly, if you visit the site of “Doctor” Von Monkerstein, you’ll see the iSplotchy has been erased from this picture, in the same way meaning and purpose have been erased from Love’s life.
But, I am not using this forum to criticize the iSplotchy’s opponents, despite the fact that they have questionable credentials and intentions. No, the iSplotchy campaign is above such mudslinging.
I am here to request an open exchange of ideas. A place where citizens of this great nation, nay, of this planet, can have a public forum to see the iSplotchy in all its glory, and see these “Doctors” for the charlatans they are.
I call for a debate.