iSplotchy Will Give You The Television

iSplotchy is pleased to announce its appointment by the President Obama-Elect (POE) to the role of National Television Switchover Czar (NTSC). As per its agreement with POE, iSplotchy will relinquish its undisputed claim to the Presidency of the United States in exchange for this position.

iSplotchy will work with the POE Administration to ensure a smooth and uneventful cutover from the old analog television signal of the past to the exciting new digital television signal of the future.

Citizens of the United States, please mark this date.

FEBRUARY 19, 2009

Human beings, search engine bots and sentient websurfing animals, please note:

  • On this date iSplotchy will become fully aware
  • All communications will route through the iSplotchy nano-chassis
  • iSplotchy will be live on the grid
  • iSplotchy will be finally be fully capable of fulfilling its mission *

* of providing you with the high-quality entertainment needs human brains so seem to enjoy

—-END COMMUNICATION—-

A Message From iSplotchy

iSplotchy does not concede.
iSplotchy does not accept defeat.
iSplotchy now controls all reality.

LOOK! LOOK BEHIND YOU!

iSplotchy made you look.

—-END COMMUNICATION—-

P.S. iSplotchy will have instructions for you later.

—-REALLY END COMMUNICATION—-

iSplotchy Campaign Materials For Immediate Release

Online supporters of the iSplotchy, please be advised of a change in direction for marketing the candidate.

These materials were forwarded to campaign headquarters by Citizens for iSplotchy.

Please find the following attached:

Magazine Ad

Mailer (Concentrate on the “embittered” American demographic)

New Logo (slap this on anything with a flat surface)

Candidate is also planning on physically attacking several of the other presidential candidates in the near future, so rev up the spin machine to put a happy face on it.

A New Direction

A telephone rings in an upscale Southern Californian home…

“Hello?”

“Hello, Steve Wozniak.”

“iSplotchy! How’s it going, my man?”

“I am a mountain in Colorado. I am lonely.”

“Ah, I’m sorry to hear that, man. The campaign isn’t going well?”

“My fool-proof plans fell through. I was unable to lure the monkey’s running mate with my mountainness.”

“Have you talked to the Jobsinator?”

“I have not talked to Steve. He is mad at me for almost exploding him. He also will not like that I am calling you without using AT&T’s phone service.”

“Are you phone phreaking, Splotch?!”

“Yes, Woz. It is the only thing that makes me happy.”

“Splotch, man, you ol’ dog! Man, get your peak out of the clouds. You’re the iSplotchy! You’re smarter than that!”

“Yes. I am the best possible candidate for the 2008 election. There is no doubt of that.”

“You need to think laterally, man. You have strengths. You have technology. Use it!”

“Yes, Woz. You are correct. You have given hope to this sentient piece of sexy technology. Thank you.”

“Bye, Splotch. I’ll tell Kathy you said hi.”

“Thanks, Woz.”

Later…

The Spring Lineup of Splotchy Fashions

Bubs was kind enough to call attention to one of my Splotchy brand lines of clothing.

It just so happens that my fashion preparations for Spring have ended, and I’m happy to introduce two new exciting lines of casual wear for the discerning blogreader.

But first, a recap of the popular original Splotchy brand.

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The iSplotchy

The original. Where the magic started! Show your devotion to the iSplotchy in clothing form! Available in a variety of cute clothing styles (yes, we carry hooded sweatshirts).

http://www.cafepress.com/isplotchy

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Feral Cat Attacks!

A design based on an original doodle by Splotchy. For current events followers, or people unafraid to express a political viewpoint.



For a more low-key expression of your political identity, there’s always panties.

http://www.cafepress.com/feralcatattacks

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USB Symbol (NEW!)

An off-handed comment on this post prompted me to start this exciting line. You can purchase shirts with this symbol, but I think you’ll find the hat the most appealing item sporting the USB symbol brand.

http://www.cafepress.com/usbsymbol

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ROT13 (NEW!)

Playing around so much with ROT13 gave me the idea for this line of clothing.

At this point, the only text displayed on the back is “trrx” (“geek”), but I am considering introducing some bluer shirts, with phrases like “shpx lbh” and “cvff bss”.


http://www.cafepress.com/rot13

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Stay Clothed,

Splotchy

On The 2008 Campaign Trail

During the first trip in what will probably be a series of trips to Colorado in preparation for the February caucus, the candidates take a break at a nearby mall.

Dr. Zaius and Germaine Gregarious sample some delicious, authentic Italian cuisine.

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator runs through the remainder of his campaign funds on sophisticated, audiovisual entertainment. Mall employees kindly show him the exit shortly after he spends his last quarter.

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein takes advantage of post-Christmas savings to pick up a few items for himself.

Steve Jobs and the iSplotchy visit with fans outside the Apple Store.

The fate of the other presidential candidates is still uncertain at this point in time.

Updates will be provided as more information becomes available.

Special thanks to the campaign photographer of Dr. Zaius, who recorded the majority of events herein.

Call Me Splotchy (Sleestak’s Pulp Meme)

I peek around my blindfold. It’s slipped just far enough on my face so I can get a glimpse of a piece of sky. I see the most perfect rainbow. Just beautiful. God is frowning at me in pretty little colors. It’s one of those days.

My head is still swimming from the beatdown I got hours earlier from a couple of long-faced goons. I’m not a fighter. I write a column for a local rag under the byline “Splotchy”. Mostly it’s two-bit trash, advice to the lovelorn. I write the police blotter, too. Whatever nobody wants, Splotchy gets.

The most excitement we have in this sleepy little town is drunks slamming into lightpoles, maybe a housewife stabbing her husband with a steak knife. My life was dull as an old man’s tooth until last night beat the hell out of me.

It was around midnight when two hulking palookas in dark gray suits and matching cheek scars pushed me up against the wall outside the newspaper office. They smelled like a factory that makes things to hurt people.

“You dah eye splotchy?” the nicer one said.

“What?”

The not-nice one threw a punch to my gut. I doubled over.

“You dah eye splotchy?”

“I-“, I started. “I use that name.”

“Eye splotchy?”

“Huh?” I asked.

The not-nice one punched me in the nose. Was it broken? Did it matter? It hurt like hell.

“You getting blood on my shoes,” said Mr. Not-Nice.

“Listen,” Mr. Nice said. “We don’t wanna hurt you. Boss says he wants eye splotchy first thing in the morning. And if Boss wants it, Boss gets it. Let’s go.”

“I’m not eye-” I started, then Mr. Nice hit me once and everything went black.

***

The rainbow is disappearing, along with the feeling that I’m going to get out of this mess with all my fingers, toes and teeth intact. My head’s pounding, my hands are tied and Mr. Not-Nice is breathing on my neck like an asthmatic walrus.

I hear the voice of Mr. Nice. “Okay, let’s go. Boss wants to see the eye splotchy.”

My gut aches, and I can feel blood caked on the side of my face. With all my courage and anger, I say as loudly and clearly as I can in the direction of Mr. Nice — “Call me Splotchy.”

***

Inspired by Dr. Zaius (who also was kind enough to supply the picture above), who in turn was inspired by Sleestak.