One Year Blogoversary – It All Comes Down To Zombies And Shopping


It was a year ago today when I began uploading my thoughts to this blog. That first post was about a zombie apocalypse.

I am looking for help from the readers of this blog now.

We are out shopping at a supermarket when the zombie apocalypse becomes evident to us. The front of the supermarket is made up of floor to ceiling glass windows. There are two sets of automatic glass doors on either end of the front of the supermarket. There is also a service entrance in the back, which is a steel door and locked from the inside.

There are hundreds of zombies outside in the front parking lot. There are about fifteen zombie shoppers in the supermarket. There are five zombies out back. All of the store’s employees are zombies.

The zombies are the slow-moving, George Romero kind. You can kill them by removing the head or destroying the brain.

Assume that all non-zombies in the supermarket arrived by motor vehicle.

Quick, we need to decide on a plan! What are we going to do? What do we need to take care of in order to survive?

I need to know what our priorities are, and we need to decide on tasks and have volunteers for each task.

Together we can get through this! I know it!

SO LET’S GO!

I Have Shopping Faux Pas, Too

Just to prove to you I’m not some wiseass who never exhibits less-than-savvy shopping behavior, I present this humble post.

First, please note that part of this post has been encoded because my mother reads this blog.

Mom, there is nothing really that awful in this little vignette, but I felt I should at least protect your eyes from seeing it without readying yourself.

To read the message below, copy the text and paste it into the “Input” box on the top right of my blog, hit the “En/Decode input” button and read the text that displays in the “Output” box.

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Lbh xabj jung’f jbefr guna tbvat gb Gnetrg sbe bayl gjb vgrzf, pbaqbzf naq znffntr bvy?

Ergheavat gur pbaqbzf ng Phfgbzre Freivpr yngre orpnhfr lbh zvfgnxrayl tbg gur jebat xvaq.

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A Hopefully Obvious Shopping Faux Pas

I can safely say, that without doing even the slightest bit of research, the Internet contains the following advice from at least a handful of people:

If you’re shopping at Target, don’t wear a red shirt.

Now, I realize that not everyone has a connection to the Internet, but surely these sage words have also been transmitted through our culture’s rich and vibrant oral tradition.

Yet still, when I visit our local Super Target, which one would assume is only populated by superintelligent supershoppers, I swear that half the customers are wearing red.

To these people, I implore you:

Note: There is one exception to this rule. If you intentionally wear red so you can hover around a busy aisle, sporadically adjusting items on their shelves and looking somewhat busy, for the sole purpose of saying, “I don’t work here” when shoppers come to you asking for help, by all means wear red.

Asshole.

Shopping and stranded during a Zombie Apocalypse


So apparently to begin blogging one must actually do an initial post. So, here it is.

I was getting a sandwich at a local megachain grocery store with a coworker a while back, and I, for some reason, posed a “Dawn of the Dead”-inspired question:

If you were stuck in this grocery store for the rest of your natural life (and assuming your natural life would continue for several decades), would you be able to subsist solely on things within the store?

My friend indicated most definitely, and basically was able to convince me, though a nagging doubt still is in the back of my mind about it.

Now I find myself going through a mental exercise when going shopping (something I don’t really enjoy that much). If the world went all zombie very, very quickly, and I chose this store I was purchasing my Cheetos in to be my last stand, how long would I last? How long would I last in a Walgreen’s? Six weeks? Six months?

This mental exercise doesn’t need to be limited to stores having food. Imagine you’re stuck in a Dress Barn — what could you convert to weapons to hunt animals and kill zombies? The possibilities are endless! This might give you Scrooges some enjoyment on your next reluctant Xmas or Birthday shopping excursion.