Motherfuckin’ Mattress Giant

In times of great stress, I sometimes turn to profanity.

A while ago, I made the jingle to Mattress Giant better by adding some colorful language:

Look for my modifications in brackets. You’ll just have to imagine me swearing, as the original jingle has not been altered in the above clip.

When you’re looking for that ooh-ahh feel,
[Motherfuckin’] Mattress Giant
When you want that ooh-ahh deal,
We’ve got the best price
For that ooh-ahh bed [Motherfuckers],
It’s only at Mattress Giant
Ooh-ahh [motherfucker]
Ooh-ahh [motherfucker]
Only at Mattress Giant, Ooh-ahh
Only at Mattress Giant, Ooh-ahh

Splotchy Improves The Titles Of Movies Simply By Adding The Word Motherfucker

I had a lot of fun coming up with these. Probably a few more posts of these await you in the future.

Annie Hall Motherfucker

Cocoon Motherfucker

A Star Is Born Motherfucker

That’s Entertainment Motherfucker

I Know What You Did Last Summer Motherfucker

21 Grams Motherfucker

How Green Was My Valley Motherfucker

Prick Up Your Ears Motherfucker

Clambake Motherfucker

Tron Motherfucker

Don’t Tell Mom The Babysitter’s Dead Motherfucker

The Muppets Take Manhattan Motherfucker

Son Of Even More ROT13’ed Swearwords

At this time of year, I ask myself, what am I thankful for?

I am thankful for profanity.

Pop the following entries in the decoder on the right sidebar to give thanks.

(Feel free to go to rot13.com for a larger decoder window)

1. Urer’f pbpx va lbhe zbhgu!
2. Bu, gur fuvg cnvaf. Gur fuvg cnvaf!
3. Urezncuebqvgr’f Onyyf!
4. Zbygra fcvqre gvgf!
5. Znl n enoovg shpx lbhe rlrubyr jvgubhg gur hfr bs n ohaal pbaqbz!
6. ¡Ubyn, Frñbe Cvfflcnagf!
7. Srngure qhfg zl onyyfnpx, Qhxr bs Penccrel!
8. Unir n ovgr bs qvatyroreel prerny, lbh fueviryrq zhzzl qvpx!
9. Lbh qrenatrq yvggyr shpxvat avccyravooyre!
10. Qbaxrl gheqf!

Even More ROT13’ed Swearwords

Hey kids, it’s time for some more swearwords! Pop them in the decoder on the right sidebar for delightful profanity.

(Feel free to go to rot13.com for a larger decoder window)

01. SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHPXREL
02. N pbpx-n-qbbqyr shpx-lbh zbeavat gb lbh, Qvyqb Tenaqr
03. By’ Taneyl Gvg Rlrf
04. Sngurnq yvire-rngvat znttbg-shpxvat oneanpyr pbpxfhpxre
05. Jbeguyrff nff-fgnvarq fngva fubegf zbgureshpxre
06. Qvzjvg sybjre-ybivat srghfonatre
07. Url, Nffubyr!
08. Lrnu, lbh! NFFUBYR!
09. Fjrngl natel shpxyrff ybfre
10. Tenil fuvg oebja

Who’s Ready For Some More ROT13ed Swear Words? I Sure As Fuvggvat Am!

We started this fun here. Let’s continue the joy and love!

I’ll repeat the verbiage from my original post, for those who have forgotten the spiel.

A list of ROT13-encoded swear words.

Pop them in the Input box of the ROT13 Decoder to the right and hit the “En/Decode input” button. I personally prefer decoding the words one at a time, as that adds to the excitement and sexual tension.

I suppose you could try guessing them first, if that’s your inclination, but this post is more about the swearing than the quizzing.

1. shpxjvg
2. ternfl-nffrq tbbq-sbe-abguvat zbaxrl gvgf
3. Bu, pbpx!
4. shpx-n-qhpx
5. V tbg gur fybccl fuvgf
6. gvtug cnagf jrnevat zbaxrlsvatrerq pbecfrshpxre
7. qvegl onyyf fhpxvat wrexbss
8. fcbbtr-jenatyre
9. cvff ba lbhefrys, nffgbnq
10. hShpx

How To Spot An Asshole

If you’re in the middle of a large crowd and you want to separate the assholes from the non-assholes, simply loudly yell “Hey, Asshole!”

If anyone turns around to look at you, they are probably an asshole.

This post was brought to you by The Blog Cuss-O-Meter, as seen here, here and here.

(I got a fucking measly 9.2 percent!)

UPDATE!

Hey, I just redid my Cuss-O-Meter and now I am up to 9.3 percent!

I’m so happy I’m shitting rainbows!

Google Will Not Say That

I was monkeying around with Google a bit.

One nice feature of Google is that if you accidentally mistype something you’re searching for, Google tries to guess the text that you intended to type.

I’ll actually use this as a feature in some cases. Say there’s a scientific phenomena or some other such thing for which I can’t quite remember the proper name.

I’ll pop a close approximation of it into Google, and I’ll usually be able to get the correct spelling of what I’m looking for after hitting “Search”, often displayed to me as:

Did you mean: [correctly spelled term]

So, I thought it would be funny if I got Google to say something naughty, like Did you mean: asshole

But dammit, it appears that Google doesn’t like to swear.

I did a little scientific experiment, using a more common expletive, “asshole” and compared it with a lesser-used though no less colorful word, “asswipe”.

First, let’s type in the words with their correct spelling.

Search for asshole:

Ooh! Over 24 million hits. That’s a pretty popular swear word.

Now let’s search for asswipe:

That’s not a shabby search result total, but at under 400,000 that’s significantly smaller than the results for asshole.

Now, let’s intentionally misspell both words, in the exact same manner.

Let’s search for asssdwipee

Hmm, no results, but Google thinks I might be looking for “asswipe”.

Now let’s search for asssdholee

No results, and Google has no suggestions for me! It doesn’t matter that “asshole” brings back 60 times the results that “asswipe” does, and that I am misspelling the two words in the same exact manner. Sorry, Google cannot help you!

__________________________________________

I am of course not constructing a scientific theory backed up by hills of proofs and anecdotal evidence.

However, I challenge you to type in some text in Google where it will suggest the word “asshole” as what you were really searching for. Come to think of it, why not also try to get Google to suggest any of the seven dirty words?

UPDATE:

My brother took my challenge, and I must say I am impressed.

Who Wants A Dirty Word Crossword Puzzle?

I had it in my weird mind to construct a crossword puzzle solely out of swear words, or words not appropriate for after-dinner conversation.

I posted the results of my efforts last night, but I thought it was a little too obnoxious sitting for all to see, and deleted the post.

But, rather than let my pointless work go to waste, you can still take a gander.

Here’s relevant links for The Profane Puzzler:

The Grid

The Clues

UPDATE!

Answers here!

What The Shpx

A list of ROT13-encoded swear words.

Pop them in the Input box to the right and hit the “En/Decode input” button. I personally prefer decoding the words one at a time, as that adds to the excitement and sexual tension.

I suppose you could try guessing them first, if that’s your inclination, but this post is more about the swearing than the quizzing.

1. fuvg-sbe-oenvaf
2. crapvy-qvpxrq zbgureshpxre
3. phag
4. cvff
5. pbpxfhpxre
6. nffung
7. qvpxurnq
8. tbqqnza
9. fbahinovgpu
10. Ohfu