Sitcom Actress Shaggy Dog Stories

Sometimes I forget things I have written. Three years ago, I apparently had a bug up my butt to write several very groan-inducing shaggy dog stories over a series of tweets. Well, #ShaggyDogStoryEndingWithASomewhatObscureSitcomActress tweets, to be precise.

I was amused enough with three-years-ago me (sad, isn’t it?) that I decided to collect the tweets into a post.

Enjoy! And I’m sorry!

***

The Candy Collector’s Convention kickoff event was in two hours, and Irma realized her Snickers custom t-shirt didn’t fit any more. Without some form of candy-related article of clothing, she’d be the laughingstock of the CCC! She called her friend Jewel for help.

Jewel said, “Get something out of your collection with a hole in it. Thread one of your gold chains through and make a necklace.”

Irma, relieved, did just that. In fact, her last-minute jewelry was the hit of the CCC. All that was required was to don a Pez cow.
#Angie

***

It was one of the coldest days of the winter of ’79. The people in the model airplane club were getting woozy. The radiators thumped as they flooded the room with heat. Terrence watched people outside huddle against the brutal cold. He stood there, transfixed.

Anne said, “Terrence, you alright? You seem like you’re in another world.”

“I think it’s the heat, Anne. And the glue. Making me groggy.”

Anne patted him on the back. “I’ll open a window,” she said. A stream of cold air whistled in. Terrence perked up. Everyone else did, too. Anne asked, “Is that better, Terrence?”

“That’s great,” replied Terrence. “Thank you. Actually, could you let the air in more, Anne?”
#HappyDays

***

It was morning at the Children’s Television Workshop in early 1975. A horrible tragedy had occurred. The original Bert had burned up in a freak accident, and a series of Ernie & Bert bits were scheduled for filming that day.

Thankfully, the CTW had ample raw material to assemble a new Bert: yellow felt, eyes, striped fabric, special black yarn for hair. A senior puppetmaker scrambled to construct a new Bert Muppet. He grabbed an intern walking down the hall.

“Where are my Bert supples?!” he screamed.

The intern pointed down the hall. “Behind that door is raw Berts.”
#EverybodyLovesRaymond

***

Violet loved going to the annual US Mint parade. She wanted more than that, though. She wanted to walk in the parade. Each US currency denomination had a representative in the parade. The eligibility rules for walkers were established years ago. For some reason, age was a determining factor, and correlated to what denomination a person could represent.

For example, a person had to be over 50 years of age to represent the $100 bill. For the $50 bill, one must be at least 35. The ages seemed arbitrary, but rules were rules.

Violet wrote a long, impassioned essay to the parade committee. She explained her lifetime fascination with the parade, spoke of her recent 18th birthday, and made a heartfelt request.

The parade committee was moved, and some members were moved to tears. Violet’s essay was published in US Mint Magazine along with an announcement. With great pride and much fanfare, the parade committee made Violet that year’s penny marshal.
#LaverneAndShirley

***

Angus McTeague LOVED the work of Michael Mann. He religiously watched Miami Vice when it first aired, and later bought the DVDs. He loved Mann’s movies — Manhunter, Heat, Thief, Collateral. He even liked movies where Mann served as Executive Producer. His favorite of those films was Band of the Hand.

Angus liked to pretend he and his brothers were in their own ragtag mercenary group. Angus would cause a stir in his neighborhood, goading people into a confrontation, usually drawing his brothers into the fray.

He would spit, raise his fists, and snarl, “Ye’ll pay! Ye’ll rue meh clan o’ han!”
#GoldenGirls

Iced Tea, Ice Water

Okay. I get it now.

Iced tea. Tea starts out hot. You apply ice to it to cool it down. The tea has been iced.

Ice water. It’s water with ice.

However, the water is also iced, isn’t it? I’m assuming the water is colder with the ice than it was without. Right?

Anyways, I guess I get it.

I guess.

Next Weekend: Proper Usage

Today is Wednesday, July 27th. Next weekend is August 6-7.

Now, imagine that it’s Monday or Tuesday (July 25th/26th). Next weekend is July 29-31.

If it’s Saturday – Tuesday, the next Saturday/Sunday encountered (excepting the weekend you are currently experiencing) is “next weekend”. In this scenario, “this coming weekend” can also be used. Don’t use “this weekend” if the day on which you are commenting happens to be on a Saturday or Sunday. That’s confusing. However, if it’s a Monday or a Tuesday, you are free to use “this weekend”.

If it’s Wednesday – Friday, the next Saturday/Sunday encountered will be “this weekend”. “This coming weekend” can also be used. “Next weekend” will be the weekend that follows “this weekend” or “this coming weekend”.

Well, that’s settled.

To The Surprise Of No One

“To the surprise of no one…” — I like this phrase a lot.

You think you will learn of someone being surprised, only to have the phrase at the end do a little twist, indicating that no one was in fact surprised.

So the phrase that tells you no one is surprised itself has a mildly surprising finish.

Yes, this is what it’s like inside my brain.