The Beast Of Berwyn, Page 19

the continuing saga of …
THE BEAST OF BERWYN

You slowly, carefully open the door.

“Hi,” Officer Bubs says. “You phoned about a disturbance?” His white clown face glows eerily in the moonlight. Abruptly, his face falls into shadow as the moon drifts behind a cloud.

“Y-y-yes,” you reply.

“I took Little Miss Crazy out with some rubber bullets to the forehead.”

You can barely make out a figure laying on the ground in the darkness. From what you can see, Crazy Lady is put together like a 1950’s dame – hairspray and cone-shaped boobs.

Bubs shrugs. “She’ll be okay, I think.” He pulls his gun out of his holster, positioning it so the metal glints in the light spilling from your house. “Suh-weet, huh?! Ka-POW! KA-POW!”

“That’s a beaut,” you manage. You can’t help staring at his wide, red grin.

“Oh, my face. Yeah. I was coming from our policeman’s carnival — it’s a tradition. The clown makeup was my idea. Y’know, festive. The kids seem to like it.”

“Is everything okay?” a familiar voice says.

Bubs whirls around, raising his gun.

“Whoa, whoa whoa!” you cry. “It’s my neighbor!”

Your neighbor Bill Sherwin cautiously moves into the light. He wears a bathrobe that leaves little to the imagination.

Bubs looks at Bill sideways. “Sir, could you please close your robe? Your junk is showing.”

“Oh, sorry,” Bill says.

Bubs turns to you. “So, you’re going to need to come down with me and Crazy Lady to the station so I can file a report.

Do you…

1) Go with Bubs and Crazy Lady to the station
2) Politely decline

The Beast Of Berwyn, Page 20

the continuing saga of …
THE BEAST OF BERWYN

“Bubs, can you follow me, in case things start going all crazy?”

“You got it, Arny.”

“Thanks.”

“Arny, for a fancypants blogger, you ain’t half bad.”

“Thanks, Bubs. For a sinister-looking clown cop, you’re not too bad yourself.”

You make your way up a steep hill.

Crazy Lady lays unconscious on the edge of a steep dropoff. Water rushes violently below her.

“Not sssso fassssst, Arny!”

A large, half-man, half-jellyfish creature shambles towards you from out of the shadows of a towering oak tree. On one side of him, a long tentacle drags across the ground, on the other, a human hand holds a gun.

“Bill! Is that you?”

“Yesssssss. The ssssad resssssult of a ssssssspecial effect gone bad.”

“Bill, I’m sorry.”

“Ssssssssorry? How dare you feel sssssssorry for me, Crankowisssssssss.”

“Bill, I can help you.”

“How?” Bill hisses.

“Well,” you say, “if there are any remedies that have been indexed by Google, I’m awfully good at finding those kinds of things.”

“Sssssssssssilence!”

A tentacle shoots at you and whips you across the arm. You are knocked back. You can feel a paralysis quickly come over you.

“Police!” Bubs yells. He fires his gun.

Bill returns his fire and knocks Bubs to the ground.

“Nooooooo!” you scream.

Bubs’ gun falls near your feet.

Do you…

1) Reach for the gun
2) Have a peanut

The Beast Of Berwyn, Page 22

the continuing saga of …
THE BEAST OF BERWYN

No time for spell-checking! You hit the SUBMIT button, and dash to the kitchen and dial the local law enforcement.

“I’d like to report a shooting,” you say.

“Yes, we know,” says the voice on the other line. “Officer is en route. [CLICK]”

More screams and gunfire erupt outside. The sound of glass breaking somewhere in the house. Red and blue flashing lights suddenly flood your kitchen.

BANG! BANG! BANG!

A few quiet moments pass.

There is a loud knocking at your front door. You cautiously make your way there and look out the peephole.

A sinister-looking clown in a patrolman’s uniform stands at your door, seemingly looking through the peephole straight into your eyes.

“Officer Bubs,” the clown announces. “Somebody call the poh-leeeeeece?”

Do you…

1) Open the door
2) Call the police again
3) Hide in the basement

The Beast Of Berwyn, Page 25

the continuing saga of …
THE BEAST OF BERWYN

You muster up all your faculties of lying into a single knot in the back of your throat.

“She’s my lady friend. She’s been having a bad time, but she’s going to get better. Please go easy on her.”

“Why was she discharging her weapon at you?” Bubs asks.

“She wasn’t shooting at me,” you plead. “I wasn’t even outside when the gunshots started. She was probably aiming at squirrels. She hates squirrels.”

Bubs scratches his chin, causing some greasepaint to flake off onto his desk. “Hmm. Maybe she wasn’t aiming for you. Maybe she was aiming for your neighbor, Mr. Floppy.”

Bubs leans back in his chair.

“Either way, your prior knowledge of the ay-LEGED crazy lady means I am going to have to get a statement from you. This may take an unnecessarily long while…”

HOURS (AND MANY LIES) LATER…

You are exhausted. Bubs shows no signs of slowing. He begins making a series of animal balloons, placing them strategically on his desk.

Do you…

1) Ask to speak with crazy lady
2) Ask for a lift home

The Beast Of Berwyn, Page 28

the continuing saga of …
THE BEAST OF BERWYN

You slowly walk behind Officer Bubs.

In one fluid motion, Bubs scoops up Crazy Lady and slings her over his shoulder.

He opens the passenger door of his squad car and drops her in.

“You ride in back.”

He opens the door. As you slide into the back seat, you realize the car has another backseat passenger — a medium-sized alligator on a leash.

Bubs shuts the door, jumps into the driver seat and revs the engine. “Mr. Crankowicz, meet Enos, the Captain’s alligator. Enos, meet Mr. Crankowicz, a fancypants blogger.”

Bubs peels out and rockets down the street.

Looking straight ahead, Bubs drawls, “We’re just a couple minutes away from the station. Hey, Enos is probably getting a little hungry. There should be a package of nuts on the seat next to you. Feed him a couple, wouldja?”

Do you…

1) Feed Enos some nuts
2) Sit quietly, arms and legs crossed