Happy Whatever Splotchy Says Day: Your Third And Final Assignment


Are we already at the last assignment? Yes? Wow, my inflated sense of power and self-worth are already diminishing. Before these feelings completely leave my body, I will leave the following tasks for you. These are not required to be completed by today, but if it could happen over the next couple weeks, it would be appreciated.



Dr. Zaius, you will use your mad photoshopping skills to make me a “Call Me Splotchy” version of the pulp paperback copy you created (based on the Sleestak original). After it has been completed I will gladly contribute my own pulp story.

Bubs, you will have your picture taken in Vegas in your Elvis getup, either in a karate pose, or giving a karate kick.

Cowboy The Cat, you will find a public place in Carbondale on which you write “Splotchy Is Nifty”. It doesn’t have to be big, visible to the casual observer, and it doesn’t have to be there forever, etc. Extra points if you take a pic of it.

Tim, you will lend me your copy of Sonic Youth’s Rather Ripped.

SamuraiFrog, you will write a limerick that rhymes Carla Gugino and neutrino. An acceptable alternative to this is simply posting pictures of Carla Gugino and neutrinos (in the same post, obviously).

To the NYC bloggers meeting tonight (including FranIAm and Distributorcap): at some point during the festivities you will toast me, Splotchy!

The Idea Of Progress – you will dedicate next year’s The Idea Of Progress Day to me, Splotchy.

Tenacious S – you will add me to your blogroll! I was there before, and I will be there again!

Grant Miller – For one day, you will change your avatar to a picture of you in a Hawaiian shirt.

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein – You will let me hold the Crunky.

Jin – you’re wearing my doodle. What more could I ask for?

Anandamide – You will wrap up your contest. The suspense is killing me!

The Drunken Severed Head – Three letters – DPK.

Jess – You’ll make one more taint post, for old time’s sake.

Dguzman – You will dedicate a small piece of the sidebar on your blog, where you will keep a picture of a fluffy cloud. This will potentially keep the winter blahs away for both you and your readers (well, me definitely).

To those not specifically given a task to complete, please add a comment to this post to indicate the largest mammal you believe Splotchy could physically subdue, using only his bare hands. People who have been given tasks are also welcome to comment on this as well.

Thanks to everyone who made this nonexistent holiday existent!

Happy Whatever Splotchy Says Day: Your Second Assignment

Hi everyone! Thanks to everyone who completed the first assignment. To those who have not yet done so, you have the rest of the day to complete it. In case you’re wondering, yes, I am able to touch my nose with my tongue.

Anyway, now onto our next assignment. The second assignment is a little more involved than the first.


Write a post on your blog that is completely ROT-13 encoded. The post can be about anything, but it must be fully ROT13-encoded (excluding any links or images — a ROT13’ed link/image won’t display or function properly).

I would recommend that you type up the post in regular text (on a text editor, in Blogger, wherever), and then take the entire text when you are done writing the post, and convert it. You can use the ROT13 encoder on my right sidebar, or if you want more room, you can do the same thing here.

Do not link to me in the post you create. If someone is confused by your post, simply reply in a comment “Splotchy told me to.”

When you create your special post in honor of Whatever Splotchy Says Day on your blog, please leave a comment here so I can know to check it out.

Also, please check back later for your third and final assignment.

Trg tbvat!

A Review Of A Tegan And Sara Show From Someone Largely Unfamiliar With Tegan And Sara

Hi kids!

I attended last night’s Tegan and Sara show at the lovely Portage Theater in Chicago. The show was sold out. What T&S megafan wasn’t able to score a ticket so that my ignorant ass could be at their concert? I don’t know. They weren’t there. Bwahahahaha!

I stopped at my friend’s house in Portage Park (he of the spare T&S ticket) and we had a beer. The opening act, Northern State, was set to start at 8:00pm. We weren’t in a big hurry, so a little after eight we then drove the ten minutes it took to get to the theater, found a parking spot and ambled in.

The Portage is a nice old moviehouse, which in my opinion isn’t the ideal venue for a rock ‘n roll show (I prefer a wide open floor). Still, there was enough space in front of the stage for the hardcore fans to get close.

Unfortunately the Portage did not serve beer, but the man at the refreshment counter indicated that would soon change. No beer, at a rock concert? Oh, man.

We went to sit down for a little bit of Northern State, which turned out to be a group consisting of three female rappers, a guitarist, some preprogrammed keyboards ‘n backbeats, and a live dude drummer. We soon got out of our seats and went down on the right side nearer to the stage, which gave us a pretty good vantage point for the proceedings.

Northern State reminded me a lot of the Beastie Boys. If I heard them correctly, one of the songs they played had actually been produced by Adrock. I didn’t dig them entirely, but there were a coupla songs that sucked me in. And hey, the last song had a bunch of swearing, and reminded me very much of my pseudo-Buddhist chant, so that was nice. We probably caught at least half their set. They seemed to be appreciative of the Chicago crowd, and retroactively unappreciative of the Detroit crowd from the previous night.

Then it was time for Tegan and Sara to hit the stage. In the two days between when I learned I was going to the show and when the show took place, I managed to listen to most of their album So Jealous. It took me several songs into the concert to really start enjoying it. I don’t know if it was them or me; odds are it was me. But by four or five songs into their set I was having a really good time (even without a beer buzz).

Here’s their setlist, more or less:

Song from So Jealous
Song from So Jealous
Speak Slow
Song from So Jealous

Song from So Jealous
Song from So Jealous

There were several songs I really, really liked, most I liked, and some that were just okay. My friend knew every song but a couple, and had a very good time.

I thought their voices were their best feature. They were very beautiful, with nice harmonies, etc., and so strong. Tegan’s voice seemed a little hoarse, though perhaps that’s what it normally sounds like. I liked it either way.

Both ladies were very tiny, cute and endearing, smart and witty, and had a really nice stage presence, telling stories between songs throughout the show. As my friend said, you wanted to take them home to play with your children.

Sara seemed to be the more outgoing one, while Tegan seemed a little shy and more sensitive. If I took a fan-created personality quiz, I would probably be a Tegan.

The show was amazingly polite. At one point as Sara was telling a story, she noticed someone in front of the stage who had apparently fainted. She was very concerned, handing a bottle of her water over for the person, asking people to make room, asking for security to help, etc. I thought to myself, if this was a GWAR concert they would have just gotten a crossbow out and shot the fan in the heart. ‘Cause that’s what rock ‘n roll is all about, motherf*ckers.

While this fainting drama was underway, a woman proclaiming herself a nurse brushed by me. She raised her hands and sauntered through the crowd. I thought to myself, “This is why she got into the healthcare field — to strut through crowds at rock concerts during medical emergencies.” As the fainter was being escorted to the side, Sara went into a story about how she had fainted onstage at Lollapalooza in Chicago during the past summer, which, if memory serves, was 160 degrees Fahrenheit that day.

So they finished their set, came back to do a generous encore, and then the show was over. Some members of Northern State were by the door hawking signed copies of their CDs as we exited the theater.

We headed out and had a couple beers at a nearby bar and that was that.

Happy Whatever Splotchy Says Day: Your First Assignment

Hello everyone! Here we are, at the end of November. And with the end of November, we come to the last of my November holidays.

Hopefully this holiday will be a joyous one for all who celebrate it. Here is your first assignment.


Attempt to touch your nose with your tongue. You may not use your hands, or any tongue-extending contraption to assist you.

Add a comment to this post indicating whether you are able or unable to touch your nose with your tongue.

Please return to this blog later for further instructions.



A Brave New Doodle

I’m going to try and shift my doodling away from the “realistic” to something more “iconic”, and hopefully less “sucky”.

Who is the first commenter with a doodle idea to set me on the path of quality, hipness, respect and relevance?


I decided to combine the first two commenters’ requests. For Jess and Tengrain, a monkey flying out of Dick Cheney’s butt, as a scene from a fair trade (and all-organic) porno flick.

Graffiti For Obama

A couple weeks ago I noticed a nifty bit of stencilwork on a crappy old building near where I work.

I really dig graffiti, especially when it’s something other than a poorly-made half-assed gang sign.

Years ago when I was visiting my brother in Atlanta, I saw many instances of stenciled graffiti of André the Giant, which I really loved.

Graffiti-by-stencil is obviously not the same thing as freeform graffiti, but it really pops out at me when I see it, and often resonates really powerfully for me.

I decided to drag my camera to work today to take some pictures of Barack Obama, his microphone, and the USA. I have seen this graffiti one other place, near the old stockyards on South Halsted Street. The instance near where I work is a little cooler in my opinion, in that the stencil is actually on two sides of a corner rather than on a flat piece of wall.


Obama addressing South Clinton Street

A little closer

Stencil on the corner. I might be interpreting the graffiti incorrectly, but I think it’s intended to be supportive of Obama. Was it made by an inspired graffiti artist? A covert Obama campaign tactic? I have no idea.

The United States is bleeding a bit, which reflects a little negatively on the graffiti

Even in silhouette, Obama is a fine-looking fellow

Some posters for the Rambo movie coming out pasted on the same building as the Obama graffiti. The posters have not been altered. They should have gotten the Obama graffiti guy to do Stallone’s stencil, eh?


I see that someone has posted a question regarding the artist of this graffiti on Craigslist.

a35mmlife commented on this post as to the artist’s identity, but I guess it’s still not that obvious as his/her ID is not in the body of the post.

So… the artist goes by the name CRO, and has a website, Go Tell Mama! I’m For Obama.

The 30th Doodle

Who will be the lucky first commenter with an idea, that gets the glory of the big 3-0 doodle? Could it be YOU?


WOW. I cannot draw. These posts have a nice built-in excuse, in that I can’t take longer than 60 seconds to create them. And believe me, I only take 60 seconds. But still, WOW. I cannot draw.

For FranIAm – Hilary Clinton, Barbara Streisand and Oprah – Clinton on Babs’ posterior, flipping Oprah the bird.