Seven Untrue Facts About Splotchy

Thought I’d break up my labor-intensive, exhausting NOLA posts with a little levity, especially since my next post will be titled “Despair and Hope” (zoiks!).

Herein please find seven completely untrue facts about me.

1. I can spit a watermelon seed with enough force that it shatters glass.
2. I coined the phrase “God don’t make no junk” (well, I was part of the phrase’s steering committee, at least).
3. My real name is Ted Lange, and I played Isaac the bartender on TV’s Love Boat.
4. I have faithfully visited a tanning salon for daily one hour treatments since I was fifteen. After getting cancer of the hair in the late 90’s, I now wear a swimcap while tanning.
5. I only take right turns in the northern hemisphere. In the southern hemisphere I only take left turns.
6. My real name is Jessica Lange, the award-winning actress.
7. I’m typing this post while naked and covered in fancy mustard.

Okay, I tag the following people to provide seven untrue facts about themselves. Think of it as a belated Christmas present you never asked for and don’t want — a fruitcake meme, if you will.

Here are the lucky victims:
Dr Monkey Von Monkerstein – because I won’t rest until he is tagged so much there’s nothing left but a greasy spot on the wall.
Johnny Yen – because I want to get to the heart of what really doesn’t make him tick.
SamuraiFrog – because I’m wondering what he’s not all about.
Bubs – because I personally witnessed him sell my eldest son a variety of malarkey on Christmas Day, and he seemed to have plenty more to share.
FranIAm – because I said so.

15 thoughts on “Seven Untrue Facts About Splotchy”

  1. You know, I think people are going to start to talk about us and I don’t want Ms. Splotchy all stone cold hatin’ on me…

    That said, here is (true fact) my 12th link to your blog.

    And every gosh darned word of it is TRUE!

  2. That is so weird, since I’m reading this post while naked and covered in fancy mustard.

    Oh… you were lying.

    What? I’m on vacation. I can do these things.

  3. Splotch- Ahh- a fruitcake meme. I love it. What? I always just assumed you were naked and covered in fancy mustard until this. Even lies can be enlightening, I suppose. I like to drive around naked, covered in Grey Poupon and ask people if they have any. You might be surprised how many people actually do.

  4. I almost tagged you again but ddin’t out of the love I have grown for you. You can start thanking me anytime. Just remember I have at least one eye on you.

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