May I Borrow Your Gorilla Costume?

So, MizSplotchy already has her costume picked out for this coming Halloween.

She’ll be going for a 1950’s housewifey vibe, her costume to be topped off by this little mound of heaven.

After some soul searching, I came up with a perfect companion costume to hers — the robot monster from Robot Monster!

My problem is that gorilla costumes are pretty damned expensive. I can’t afford to spend a couple hundred bucks on a gorilla body, folks. I can’t afford to rent a gorilla costume for seventy bucks, either.

I look to you, blogosphere, for any assistance in my pursuit of 1950’s schlock! Let me borrow your gorilla costume, okay? I promise not to sweat in it too much.

Instead Of Having A Nervous, Depressed Post About The Economy, I Am Instead Going To List A Series Of Rhyming Words

01. drats (the economy is tanking)
02. (how is the ongoing financial meltdown affecting) Minnesota Fats
03. (will the collapse of the US financial system somehow spur an uptick in the sale of) spats
04. (an alternative to sleeping on cardboard is using discarded exercise) mats
05. (what is the nutritional value of) rats
06. (for that matter, what is the nutritional value of) cats
07. (I’m a dummy, could someone please just explain to me all these depressing) stats
08. (in addition to economic turmoil, I don’t like) gnats
09. bats (are okay, though, and good for the economy)
10. (a warning to rich people, during these troubled times, refrain from wearing your customary silk) cravats

Get Smeeeeeeeeeeeeeeah

Hmm. When was the last time I… Holy crap! I haven’t seen a movie at the LaGrange since late June!

I need to stoke the schmuck fires! What were my choices?

Swing Vote – This is the one where Kevin Costner is a porn star with an enormous penis, right?
Step Brothers – If its “funny” trailer fills me with sadness, I can’t imagine what an entire movie’s worth of this hijinx would do to me.
The Mummy: Tomb of Dragon Emperor – Nah, I am not feeling it.

Get Smart — Okay!

As I was making my way to the theater, I realized I was a little tired. That’s not a good state to be in to see a cheap movie. One must be fully alert, ready to navigate the shitty narratives of a second-run cinema.

I was welcomed back to the LaGrange into the largest and curviest of theaters, number one. As I sat there in the dim houselights, squinting at the latest Chicago Reader, I realized I was the only one there. A few minutes later I turned my head to see an employee close the theater door. For some unknown reason, I flashed them an “okay” sign.

I got a few trailers as a treat before the movie. One was for the Rainn Wilson vehicle The Rocker, which looked improbably horrible, and loaded with cheap physical gags that are supposed to be funny but never are. Look, he slipped! Look, he slipped again!

I also got the trailer for the newish X-Files movie, which if the trailer is any indication, consists solely of comedian Billy Connolly talking in an agitated, high-pitched voice and compulsively pawing at a snowy, frozen-over lake. GOOD TIMES!

Anyways, as I’m watching the trailers, a few more people straggle in, disrupting my private moviewatching experience. It’s not like I was picking my toes or was stripped down to my underwear, but I *had* gotten a little comfortable. Two girls sat down in the same row as me, just across the aisle.

Get Smart begins, and the girls immediately start chuckling. Now I realize I am really tired, and probably more susceptible to being annoyed by small things. Still, if there’s the barest hint of a joke, the girls start laughing. While these girls might be wonderful to have in a test market audience, it only took a few more “jokes” and “gags” for your friendly asshole curmudgeon to stand and move several rows forward.

There, that’s better. Now I can enjoy this unfunny comedy untroubled by the laughter of happy people.

Phew, I know I was tired and not in top moviewatching form, but this movie was stinky. I had watched the Get Smart TV show in reruns, and didn’t have any memories of it. Could it be that this movie was a hacky, unfunny remake of a show that itself was hacky and unfunny? The answer is “Probably yes!”

Anne Hathaway was cute, Alan Arkin was tolerable as the chief, and… that’s all I can say about it. I can’t give it anymore praise. There was an actor who was the equivalent of Richard Kiel’s Jaws character from the James Bond films (they even used him in a scene that was a ripoff of the airplane jump opener from Moonraker), there was Terence Stamp wasted, there was blah blah blah. BLAH.

As each gag and joke limped into view, I thought to myself, I should just walk out and go home. But I stuck it out, because I am a professional, even for shitty comedies.

Oh, shitty comedies. Why do you fill me with such despair?

John Henry Was A Giant Cheese Pizza

With apologies to Woody Guthrie, I have been finding myself making up verses to John Henry, sung passionately in the style of Mr. Guthrie.

Yeah, I do this singing in public. It helps pass the time, and scares passersby.

If you would like to make your own verse to John Henry, please feel free to add it in the comments. I’ll update with more verses as they pop up unannounced in my brain.

Verse #1
John Henry was a giant cheese pizza
A giant cheese pizza was he
He didn’t like to return any of his calls
And he claimed to have invented TV (oh Lord)
He claimed to have invented TV.

Verse #2
John Henry had an outboard motor
And a masters in philosophy
He would spend all day in his tub full of pudding
Badmouthing manatees (oh Lord)
Badmouthing manatees.

Verse #3
John Henry was a perfumed waitress
Who’d bring you extra marmalade
But if you didn’t tip, he’d a-hit you with his wig
And throw you in the cold stockade (oh Lord)
He’d throw you in the cold stockade

Verse #4
John Henry had a plastic raven
He washed it with powdered soap
He would walk down the street with that raven on his arm
Filling all the people with hope (oh Lord)
Filling all those people with hope.

Verse #5
John Henry’s pa was a garbanzo
His ma was a rehydrated pea
They met on the floor of a diner
And were joined in holy matrimony (oh Lord)
Joined in holy matrimony

The Woo-Woo Girls, Finally

The woo-woo girls have done their scene! Hip hip hooray for the woo-woo girls!

We finished the final few shots for Streaking For The Shy on Saturday, including the woo-woo girls and some cutaways of the deserted industrial location.

I transferred all of the new footage to my sexy external HD and will continue piecing the movie together.

I am going to try and upload a bit of the footage we shot on Saturday to the YouTube tonight.

Stay frosty!