Category Archives: beast of berwyn

I’m Not Exactly Sure How This Is Going To Work, But…

Well, I think I’m going to have quite a bit of fun with my Beast Of Berwyn choose your own adventure story.

I’ll be gradually fleshing out the story as people make different choices via the comments fields.

One thing that I’m intentionally doing is burying all new posts tied to this story in my archives, so they won’t be showing up as new posts, and become distracting to people who aren’t following the story, and I won’t give away plot points to people who are, etc.

The problem is, I’m not sure the mechanism I should use to alert people that the story has had some more parts added to it. I guess I’ll just see what works as time progresses.

Either way, I’m adding a permanent link on the right side of the blog, to go with my Character Actor Adoptions and Two Buck Schmuck links.

The Beast Of Berwyn: A Choose Your Own Blogging-Oriented Adventure

Hi, with this post (and without much prior thought), I so start a choose your own adventure story, The Beast Of Berwyn.

Disclaimer: Any resemblance between the characters herein and real persons living or otherwise is mostly coincidental.

So begins,


You, celebrated blogger Arny Crankowicz, sit in your well-furnished library, composing a post describing the efficacy of squirrel saliva in combatting paralysis in your celebrated blog, “No Blarney Arny”.

Suddenly, a woman’s shriek pierces the night, followed by three gunshots.

Do you…

1) Investigate the noises outside

2) Call the police

3) Finish your squirrel post

The Beast Of Berwyn, Page 3

the continuing saga of …

You cross your arms and legs, trying your best not to disturb Enos, the alligator.

Enos spots the bag of nuts under your thigh. He gently nuzzles you.

He nibbles at you playfully.

The nibbling turns into biting.

Your left leg is now gone.

As you lose consciousness, you hear Bubs moan, “Aw, EEEEEeeeeenos. Come on!”


There are many paths to adventure in this story. Try again and you may have more luck next time!

The Beast Of Berwyn, Page 4

the continuing saga of …

“Bill, I can’t talk right now. I’ll come over later.”

“Okay, Arny.” Bill walks away.

You dash to the phone.

“Hello? Police? I have a dead body at my house. Thank you. Buh-bye.”

Minutes later an unmarked police car arrives.

A large, burly man dressed as a mime steps out.

“Sir, my name is Sergeant Andy. Please come with me to the station.”

You slide into the back seat, suddenly realizing you are sitting, once more, face-to-face with another alligator.

“Say hi to Enos,” Andy says.

“I know Enos. Enos is dead. I watched him die.”

“Hey, that quote is from Batman Begins!” Andy shouts. The alligator, startled, latches onto your head and rips it off in a jerking motion.


There are many paths to adventure in this story. Try again and you may have more luck next time!

The Beast Of Berwyn, Page 5

the continuing saga of …

“Bill, I have a situation.”

“What is it? Holy carp! Dead clown! Dead cop clown!”

“What should we do? I don’t want to go to jail!” you cry.

“Calm down, Arny. Let’s think about our options.”

Several moments of silence pass.

“Arny, first things first. Let’s hide the body. Then we can think straight.”

“Where? In the basement?”

“No, not the basement. That’s the first place they look. Believe me.”

Bill taps his lips with his finger. His bathrobe is still unsettlingly open. “Let’s stuff the clown in the oven!” he exclaims.

“Before we do anything, I have to check my blog,” you say. “It’s been almost a day since I’ve been on.”

You rush to your study. Your laptop has been rendered inoperable by a bullet hole.

Do you…

1) Ask Bill to hide the body while you get your spare laptop from the basement
2) Ask Bill to get your spare laptop while you hide the body

The Beast Of Berwyn, Page 9

the continuing saga of …

You turn the laptop over in your hand.

“Hmmm,” you say to yourself. “Doesn’t look like the hard drive is damaged.”


You feel a jolt as a bullet shatters your spine. You fall to the ground.

As your life winks out, you comfort yourself with the knowledge that at least it was you, not your laptop, that took a fatal hit.


There are many paths to adventure in this story. Try again and you may have more luck next time!

The Beast Of Berwyn, Page 11

the continuing saga of …

You dash to the kitchen and dial the local law enforcement.

“I’d like to report a shooting,” you say.

“Yes, we know,” says the voice on the other line. “Officer is en route. [CLICK]”

More screams and gunfire erupt outside. The sound of glass breaking somewhere in the house. Red and blue flashing lights suddenly flood your kitchen.


A few quiet moments pass.

There is a loud knocking at your front door. You cautiously make your way there and look out the peephole.

A sinister-looking clown in a patrolman’s uniform stands at your door, seemingly looking through the peephole straight into your eyes.

“Officer Bubs,” the clown announces. “Somebody call the poh-leeeeeece?”

Do you…

1) Open the door
2) Call the police again
3) Hide in the basement

The Beast Of Berwyn, Page 12

the continuing saga of …

“Bill, you get my laptop. It’s downstairs under my framed Nagel print. I’ll hide the clown.”

“Okay!” Bill rushes downstairs.

As you put your back into pushing the crumpled remains of Officer Bozo into your spacious European oven, you stop for a second. Is this what famed blogger Arny Crankowicz has come to? How can he blog about this experience in good conscience?

You reach for the phone and dial. “Officer Bubs, please.”

“One moment.”

A few seconds of dead phone silence pass.

“Bubs here.”

“Officer Bubs, it’s Mr. Crankowicz. There’s a dead body in my house. I don’t know how or why it got here.”

“Stay put! I’ll be over there right away.”

You hang up the phone. Bill emerges from the basement, laptop in hand. “Is this it?”

“Thanks, Bill! Finally. I don’t even know if the last post I submitted made it to my faithful readers.”

You walk toward him as he holds the laptop out to you. Suddenly, the immistakable scent of the ocean fills your nostrils.

“That’s a lovely scent, Bill. What is it?” you ask.

“Aramis,” Bill replies.

“But Aramis doesn’t have a sea…”

Bill’s face twists into a mask of fury. He lifts the laptop and brings it down on your head, as you fall into darkness.

You wake up, dazed and woozy, with a big bump on the head.

Bubs sits next to you, typing on your laptop.

Bubs states, “Be just a sec. Updating my blog.”

Do you…

1) Let Bubs finish
2) Grab your laptop and check on your own blog

The Beast Of Berwyn, Page 15

the continuing saga of …

“Bubs, go home. I need to handle this on my own.”

“You don’t need to prove anything, Arny. You could use my help.”

“Bubs, trust me.”

Bubs shrugs. “Okay.”

He drives off, leaving you in the darkness.

And that’s the last the world saw of famed blogger Arny Crankowicz.


There are many paths to adventure in this story. Try again and you may have more luck next time!